Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
