I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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