Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize