Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
