Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
