Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
