RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
