Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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