I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
