I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
