On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
