I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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