It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
