i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
did i walk over a car last night?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
