Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
