Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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