oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
