this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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