I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
