Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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