I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
