you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
