I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
