I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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