my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
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