Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I supernannyed him into submission
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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