What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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