I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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