I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
