I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
