Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
