if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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