I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
