dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
