i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
