I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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