If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize