I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
