I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
