How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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