Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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