Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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