ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
