I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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