But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
