I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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