I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
