Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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