That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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