You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
