I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize