I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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