Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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