I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
