I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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