Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
