Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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