Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
