i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
