this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Someone came in the potted fern
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
