Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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