I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
