How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
